这种恐惧的背后，潜藏了怎样的不安感啊？在曾经的岁月中，他们是否经历过哪怕一次的鲜活的生命 是否曾感觉到，自己终于尝到了作为一个人而赢得的爱与珍视？

不管是什么原因，不争的事实是，生命始终在变化着、成长着。现在的你，跟刚刚读到这句话时的那个你已经有所不同。

“人无法两次踏进同一条河流，因为一切皆动。”

6岁那年，怀着巨大的悲伤，我生平第一次离开了自己的家，而且知道将不再回去。

在那些日子里，将痛苦遗忘被认为是个明智的选择。永远不要回首，尽可能地用你现有的东西去构建一个光明的未来。

在我成长的岁月中，始终怀着一种怅惘：一种我始终无法理解的惆怅。在回到家乡以前，我以为它一直就在心里的某个地方，已经成为了我的一部分。

河中间的那片土地看起来还是老样子，河的这一边，金黄色的芦苇的表面结上了霜，在阳光的照射下闪耀着，被厚厚的积雪压着的树投下了长长的影子。这就是我们儿时的四季游乐场，童年平静时光的天堂。

而河的另一边，是黑色森林的入口，深而暗的河水伸向了我们无从所知的另一头，充满着危险，却也显得那般强大而神秘。至于那陡峭的河岸，那曾是孩子们的禁地，对我们充满危险的吸引力。

我的个性和对世界的认识正是在这二者中间形成、发展起来的。这曾经是我的摇篮，是我从未走出过的摇篮，尽管我们一直在否定它。

随着我内心的创伤在逐渐痊愈，我的眼中充满了泪水。40年来的第一次，我体会到了什么叫完整。

A place where I had never expected to find myself: the ancient city of Philippopolis, capital of Thrace. A well preserved amphitheatre, golden in the morning sun.

All alone, I look around: Row upon row of concentric stone circles divided into equal sectors. Lines radiating ? some reaching for infinity, others anchored by the transversal of the stage. Light and shadow playing over a balanced blend of growth, reality and potential.

Hovering somewhere near the centre of the circle, I try to work out why it all seems so familiar. Like being back in my very own landscape. Though I know that I have never been in Thrace before. Not in this life ? or any other.

No ? it’s not the location; it’s the configuration. The geometric concept that produced the amphitheatre: a Greek marriage of structure and drama, perfectly arranged.

Ever since it first entered my consciousness ? whenever that may have been ? this figure has persisted as my guiding star. The ideal I always reached for. Definition of my aims. It led to architecture, theatre, astrology; conditioned every word I wrote.

The essence of my mind in three dimensions, graphically depicted by the amphitheatre. It took a long time to arrive at that picture. But it was worth waiting for.

I am a transnational. One of those people who leave their country of origin, sacrifice the security of birth right, give up an established identity honed by background and education.

All for the dubious pleasure of starting anew, unconditioned, unencumbered, naked as the day you were born; even at the price of being relegated to the bottom rung of the social ladder. Everyone, down to the beggar in the street ? provided he is in his own country ? is better placed than a recently arrived immigrant.

Initially you struggle along, ignorant of procedures that all others take for granted, stuttering in flawed idioms, unable to assert yourself; unwittingly violating established codes and customs. You behave, and you are treated, like someone mentally and socially deficient. Courtesy and respect are in short supply.

As a clever immigrant you pick up the challenge and do your best to assimilate, fast and furiously, until your new countrymen can no longer tell that you’re not ‘one of them’. But is that really what you want  Go through life masquerading as something you are not, and never will be: ‘one of them’