03 切斯特菲尔德伯爵致儿子(1) Lord Chesterfield to His Son (1)
切斯特菲尔德伯爵(Lord Chesterfield)
名人档案
切斯特菲尔德伯爵(1694—1773)，英国著名外交家、文学家，曾任英国驻荷兰大使、国务大臣等。他以一系列写给儿子的家书闻名于世。家书探讨的问题具有强烈的现实意义，推理逻辑清晰，用词准确生动，被誉为“绅士教育的教科书”。
简介与鉴赏
在这封信中，切斯特菲尔德伯爵围绕如何取悦别人，以“你想让别人怎样对待你，你就怎样去对待别人”为纲，给儿子提供了详尽的指导。这其中包括“摈弃以自我为中心的癖好”、“适宜的幽默、妙语，甚至小的出格行为”和“从小处着手关注他人会给人留下无限的温馨”等。
切斯特菲尔德伯爵教导儿子，要遵循一定的社交既定规范，并在其基础上通过小小的变量来调适与他人的关系。同样地，他的行文也是规矩与闪光点并存的：在罗列了一系列如何讨好别人的方法后，他话锋一转：“请不要误解，不要以为我是想让你去学那种卑躬屈膝、厚颜无耻的阿谀奉承”，及时地阻止建议滑向功利主义极端。
给子女的训诫和人生建议是古往今来很多大家留给后人的巨大财富。借切斯特菲尔德伯爵给儿子的信，读者也可以学到不少宝贵的人生经验。如本文有关如何与人相处、赢得人们喜爱的建议，就是亘古不变的社交准则。
英文正文
London,
October 16, O.S.1747
Dear boy,
The art of pleasing is a very necessary one to possess; but a very difficult one to acquire. It can hardly be reduced to rules; and your own good sense and observation will teach you more of it than I can. “Do as you would be done by” is the surest method that I know of, and probably the same things in you will please others. If you are pleased with the complaisance1and attention of others to your humors2, your tastes, or your weaknesses, depend upon it, the same complaisance and attention on your part to theirs will equally please them. Take the tone of the company that you are in, and do not pretend to give it; be serious, gay, or even trifling3, as you find the present humor of the company; this is an attention due from every individual to the majority. Do not tell stories in company; there is nothing more tedious4and disagreeable; if by chance you know a very short story, and exceedingly applicable to the present subject of conversation, tell it in as few words as possible; and even then, throw out that you do not love to tell stories, but that the shortness of it tempted you.
Of all things, banish5the egotism6out of your conversation, and never think of entertaining people with your own personal concerns or private affairs; though they are interesting to you, they are tedious and impertinent to everybody else; besides that, one cannot keep one’s own private affairs too secret. Whatever you think your own excellencies7may be, do not affectedly display them in company; nor labor, as many people do, to give that turn to the conversation, which may supply you with an opportunity of exhibiting them. If they are real, they will infallibly8be discovered, without your pointing them out yourself, and with much more advantage. Never maintain an argument with heat and clamor9, though you think or know yourself to be in the right; but give your opinions modestly and coolly, which is the only way to convince; and, if that does not do, try to change the conversation, by saying, with good humor, “We shall hardly convince one another; nor is it necessary that we should, so let us talk of something else.”
Remember that there is a local propriety10to be observed in all companies; and that what is extremely proper in one company may be, and often is, highly improper in another.
The jokes, the bons mots, the little adventures, which may do very well in one company, will seem flat and tedious, when related in another. The particular characters, the habit, the cant of one company may give merit to a word, or a gesture, which would have none at all if divested of those accidental circumstances. Here people very commonly err; and fond of something that has entertained them in one company, and in certain circumstances, repeat it with emphasis in another, where it is either insipid, or, it may be, offensive, by being ill-timed or misplaced.
Nay, they often do it with this silly preamble11: “I will tell you an excellent thing,” or, “I will tell you the best thing in the world.” This raises expectations, which, when absolutely disappointed, make the relator of this excellent thing look, very deservedly, like a fool.
If you would particularly gain the affection and friendship of particular people, whether men or women, endeavor to find out their predominant12excellency, if they have one, and their prevailing13weakness, which everybody has; and do justice to the one, and something more than justice to the other. Men have various objects in which they may excel14, or at least would be thought to excel; and though they love to hear justice done to them, where they know that they excel, yet they are most and best flattered upon those points where they wish to excel, and yet are doubtful whether they do or not. As for example: Cardinal Richelieu, who was undoubtedly the ablest statesman of his time, or perhaps of any other, had the idle15vanity of being thought the best poet too: he envied the great Corneille his reputation, and ordered a criticism to be written upon the Cid. Those, therefore, who flattered skillfully, said little to him of his abilities in state affairs, or at least but en passant, and as it might naturally occur. But the incense which they gave him—the smoke of which they knew would turn his head in their favor— was as a bel esprit and a poet. Why？—Because he was sure of one excellency, and distrustful16as to the other.
You will easily discover every man’s prevailing vanity by observing his favorite topic of conversation; for every man talks most of what he has most a mind to be thought to excel in. Touch him but there, and you touch him to the quick. The late Sir Robert Walpole (who was certainly an able man) was little open to flattery17upon that head, for he was in no doubt himself about it; but his prevailing weakness was, to be thought to have a polite and happy turn to gallantry18—of which he had undoubtedly less than any man living. It was his favorite and frequent subject of conversation, which proved to those who had any penetration that it was his prevailing weakness, and they applied to it with success.
Women have, in general, but one object, which is their beauty, upon which, scarce any flattery is too gross for them to follow. Nature has hardly formed a woman ugly enough to be insensible to flattery upon her person; if her face is so shocking that she must, in some degree, be conscious of it, her figure and air, she trusts, make ample amends for it. If her figure is deformed, her face, she thinks, counterbalances it. If they are both bad, she comforts herself that she has graces; a certain manner; a je ne sais quoi still more engaging19than beauty. This truth is evident, from the studied and elaborate20dress of the ugliest woman in the world. An undoubted, uncontested, conscious beauty is, of all women, the least sensible of flattery upon that head; she knows it is her due, and is therefore obliged to nobody for giving it her. She must be flattered upon her understanding, which, though she may possibly not doubt of herself, yet she suspects that men may distrust.
Do not mistake me, and think that I mean to recommend to you abject21and criminal flattery: no; flatter nobody’s vices or crimes: on the contrary, abhor22and discourage them. But there is no living in the world without a complaisant indulgence23for people’s weaknesses, and innocent, though ridiculous vanities. If a man has a mind to be thought wiser, and a woman handsomer, than they really are, their error is a comfortable one to themselves, and an innocent one with regard to other people; and I would rather make them my friends by indulging them in it, than my enemies by endeavoring (and that to no purpose) to undeceive24them.
There are little attentions, likewise, which are infinitely engaging, and which sensibly affect that degree of pride and self love, which is inseparable from human nature; as they are unquestionable proofs of the regard and consideration which we have for the persons to whom we pay them. As for example: to observe the little habits, the likings, the antipathies25, and the tastes of those whom we would gain; and then take care to provide them with the one, and to secure them from the other; giving them genteelly to understand, that you had observed they liked such a dish or such a room; for which reason you had prepared it: or, on the contrary, that having observed they had an aversion to such a dish, a dislike to such a person, etc., you had taken care to avoid presenting them. Such attention to such trifles flatters self love much more than greater things, as it makes people think themselves almost the only objects of your thoughts and care.
These are some of the arcane26n.cessary for your initiation in the great society of the world. I wish I had known them better at your age; I have paid the price of three and fifty years for them, and shall not grudge27it if you reap the advantage. Adieu28!
经典语句
The art of pleasing is a very necessary one to possess; but a very diffi cult one to acquire.
be serious, gay, or even trifling, as you find the present humor of the company; this is an attention due from every individual to the majority.
The jokes, the bons mots, the little adventures, which may do very well in one company, will seem fi at and tedious, when related in another.
单词/词组
1 complaisance6n. 殷勤；彬彬有礼
2 humor4n. 体液；这里引申为“性格、性情”
3 trifling6adj. 微不足道的；轻浮的
4 tedious4adj. 沉闷的；冗长乏味的
5 banish4vt. 放逐；驱逐
6 egotism8n. 自负；自我中心
7 excellency6n.优点，美德
8 infallibly8adv. 绝无错误地
9 clamor4n.喧闹，叫嚷
10 propriety8n. 适当；礼节；得体
11 preamble8n. 序文；前言
12 predominant4adj. 主要的；支配的
13 prevailing4adj.最普通的；占优势的
14 excel4vt. 超过；擅长
15 idle4adj.懒惰的
16 distrustful4adj. 怀疑的；不信任的
17 fiattery4n. 奉承；谄媚；恭维话
18 gallantry6n.勇敢的行为；绅士风度
19 engaging4adj.迷人的
20 elaborate4adj.精心制作的
21 abject6adj.卑鄙的；可怜的
22 abhor6vt. 痛恨，憎恶
23 indulgence4n.放纵；纵容
24 undeceive6vt. 使醒悟；使不受欺骗
25 antipathy6n. 反感；厌恶；憎恶
26 arcane8adj. 神秘的；秘传的
27 grudge6vt. 怀恨；吝惜
28 adieu8int. 再见；再会
中文译文
亲爱的孩子：
惹人喜欢要有必要的条件，但这又是一门不易学到的艺术。而且很难将其归纳成规则。你自己的良知与观察力将比我教授给你的还要多。“你想让别人怎样对待你，你就怎样去对待别人”，这是我所知的取信于人的最可靠的办法。细心留意别人怎样做让你愉快，那么很可能你做同样的事也会使别人愉悦。如果别人对你的性情、兴趣甚至弱点甚为关心，让你满心喜欢，请相信，你对人施以同样的热情和关照，也一定会使他们欢心。与人结伴来往时，需因循其中的氛围，勿矫揉造作；发现同伴的幽默之处时，就开怀一乐甚至调笑一番，这是每个人对群体应具备的态度。在人前不要说瞎话，没有比这更让人讨厌和不悦的事了。如果你恰好有一则很简短又相当切题的故事，可以用最简洁明了的语言叙述一番。即便如此，也要表示出你并不擅长讲述，而仅是因为它实在太简短才使你情不自禁地这样做。
在交谈中，首先就要摈弃以自我为中心的癖好，决不试图让别人对自己的私事或者自己关注的事产生兴趣。尽管这些事情对你来说兴味盎然，但对于别人却味同嚼蜡，不得要领。再者，应对个人的私事有所保留。无论你自以为有什么优点，切忌在人前自爱自怜地展示，也不要像许多人那样，挖空心思地引导谈话，以伺机自我表现一番。如果你确有长处，必会被人发现，不必自己点出，何况这样做最好。当与人有是非之争时，决不要激动地大喊大叫，即使你自以为或者知道自己是对的，也要善加控制，冷静地说出自己的意见，这是说服人的唯一方法。但如果这样仍不奏效，就试着变个话题，高高兴兴地说：“我俩谁也说服不了谁，而且也不是非得说服对方不可，我们讨论别的吧。”
要记住，与人交往时要尊重习俗礼仪。在这一群人中恰如其分的话语，对另一群人而言却未必适宜。
于某些场合适宜的幽默、妙语，甚至小小的出格行为，换个地方会显得平淡乏味。说一个词或者打个手势，在某群人中或许暗示着某种性格、习惯和隐语，而一旦离开那种特定的氛围，就会毫无意义。人们常常在这一点上犯过失。他们喜欢把在某群人、某种环境中的得意言行随便搬到别的地方使用，而此时却风趣尽失，或不合时宜，或张冠李戴而唐突无聊。
是的，他们常用这样笨拙的开场白：“告诉你一件很棒的事！”或者“我要告诉你世上最绝妙的……”希望这些话能勾起对方的期待，但结果是彻底的绝望，使说这些话的人看起来像个十足的傻子。
如果你获得别人的好感和情感，无论是男人或女人，要特别留意去发现他们可能具备的长处，以及他们明显的不足之处。人人都会有缺陷，但要公正而善意地对待别人的这一点或那一点不足。人们还会有许多过人之处，或者至少具有可以称做优异的地方。尽管人们喜欢听到对其自知的优点的赞美，但他们最感兴趣的乃是对自己渴望具备但不自信的长处的赞许，尽管他们也怀疑自己是否真是那样。比如说，红衣主教黎塞留无疑是当时或者也许是有史以来最能干的政治家，但他同时也爱慕虚荣，总想被认为是个最伟大的诗人。他嫉妒大作家高乃依的名声，于是命人写一篇批评《熙德》的文章。所以，那些善于拍马的人很少在他面前提及他处理政务的能力，或者仅仅一带而过。发生这样的事也许是非常自然的。但他们对他的奉承——他们知道这样做会让他作出对他们有利的决定——就是称他为才子和诗人。为什么这样？因为他对一种优点十分自信，但是对另外一种则有所怀疑。
观察一个人在谈话中最爱涉及的话题，你会很容易发现他的虚荣心表现在哪里，因为每个人对于自己最杰出的地方谈论得也最多。只要你提到他的那个地方，那么你就触及他的敏感点。已故的罗伯特·沃波尔爵士(他无疑非常能干)不爱听别人奉承他的才智，因为他丝毫不怀疑自己在这一方面的长处。但他的主要弱点在于他希望别人认为他具有礼貌和勇敢的骑士风范——在这一点上他无疑比任何活着的人都不如。这是他最喜爱的和最经常谈论的话题。那些善于观察的人都知道这是他的主要弱点，因此他们成功地利用了他的这一弱点。
通常来说，女性所关心的只有一个话题，那就是她们的美貌。在这个方面，不论什么奉承的话对她们来说都不为过。自然几乎从来没有造出过这样一个女性，丑得连别人对她外表的奉承都无动于衷。如果她的脸非常难看，那么她自己肯定在某种程度上能意识到。于是她便相信她的身材和气质在某种程度上可以弥补这一缺陷。如果她的身材很糟糕，那么她认为她的长相会将它抵消。如果身材和长相都一般，她会认为自己有某种魅力、某种风度聊以自慰。我不知道还有什么比美貌更具吸引力了。世界上最丑的女人身上十分考究的、精心制作的衣服最充分地说明了这一点。在所有女性当中，那个意识到自己的美貌、对此十分自信、认为无人可比的女性对别人奉承她的美貌是最不敏感的，因为她知道这是她应该享受的，因而她对别人的奉承毫不感激。你应该奉承她具有很好的思维能力。尽管她可能对自己这方面的能力毫不怀疑，但她怀疑男人们可能会不相信。
请不要误解，不要以为我是想让你去学那种卑躬屈膝、厚颜无耻的阿谀奉承——不是这样的。决不可以吹捧别人的恶习或罪行，相反，对这些要深恶痛绝和尽力阻止。但世上的每个人都会因想讨好别人而迁就他们的弱点，他们都有着虽然可笑却无害的虚荣。如果一个男人想让自己显得更聪明，一个女人想让自己看上去更漂亮，他们的错误想法令他们自己觉得欣慰，而对其他人来说也没有害处，我宁可宽容他们的这一错误与他们交朋友，而不愿想方设法地揭穿真相而与他们为敌——这样做是毫无意义的。
同样，从小处着手关注他人会给人留下无限的温馨，同时这一明智的做法也能增强别人的自尊和自负的心理。这些与人的天性是密不可分的。这样做无疑证实了我们是尊重和关心别人的。比如，观察我们所要争取的人在细小方面的习惯、他们的喜好、他们所反感的东西以及他们的兴趣，然后注意投其所好，避免让他们不快。以某种优雅的方式让他们知道你注意到他们喜欢这样的碟子或者这样的房间，正因为他们喜欢所以你这样安排了。或者相反，你注意到他们讨厌这种碟子、不喜欢这种类型的人等等，你已经注意加以避免了。这种对琐事的关注比那些大事更能满足别人自负的心理，因为这样做让别人觉得他们几乎是你所考虑和关心的唯一对象。
这些人生的秘诀对于刚刚踏入这个社会的你来说是非常必要的。我多希望我能在你这个年纪时就能很好地知道这些啊，可是我付出了53年的代价才了解到这些秘诀。如果你想收获这些经验的果实，我是绝对不会吝惜的。再见。
旧历1747年10月16日于伦敦
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