3 My Mother

Whenever I talk about women，the first image that emerges in my mind is that of my mother，because she was the first woman in my life to feel disappointed in me．

My two brothers born before me both died only a few days after birth．A fortune-teller told my mother，“My dear lady，you are fated to blossom before bearing fruit．It is best that you have a girl first，for she will serve as a shield to your sons coming later．”For this reason，while carrying me，she always kept cherishing the hope that I would be a girl．She preferred her first baby to be a girl because a daughter would be more helpful to her in looking after the younger ones and would share her cares and worries tenderly and considerately．Contrary to her wishes，however，I was born a boy．Amidst the jubilance of the whole family，Mother kept lying glumly in bed．My grandfather said to one of my aunts，“There's something queer with your sister-in-law．Fancy her feeling unhappy after giving birth to a boy！”

After all，a mother can be nothing but a mother．She did love me without falling short in anything，except that she often murmured to me，“You are my son and also my daughter，and you should have what is good in a daughter．”Three days after my birth，my grandfather asked a fortune-teller to predict my future according to Eight Characters^[1]．The fortune-teller affirmed categorically that my fate must be that of a girl and went on with a sign：“What a pity it's a girl．Otherwise the baby would certainly become a member of the Imperial Academy．”Since then，Mother often made fun of me：“Now that you are a boy，you must really become a member of the Imperial Academy．”Luckily I was born in a new era when the old Imperial Examination System had long been abolished；were it not so，could I have had any certainty of passing this examination with flying colors and thus bringing honor to my ancestors，given the poverty of my talent？

After me，three younger brothers were born in succession，which brought Mother even greater disappointment．All three survived．Whenever she complained of the fortune-teller's failure，we used to say jokingly that we were“figs，”that is，fruits borne in abundance without having blossomed．