★ 论“养狗”

“那谁来照顾狗？你吗？……儿子，别忘了你昨天回家时手上还沾着大便，而且是人类的大便。我不知道这是怎么回事，但是如果有人连手都会沾到大便，就表示或许他还负不起责任。”

☆On Getting a Dog

“Who’s going to take care of it? You?... Son, you came in the house yesterday with shit on your hands. Human shit. I don’t know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it’s an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn’t for them.”

★ 论“每天洗澡”

“你已经十岁了，所以每天都得洗澡……我不管，就算讨厌也要洗。没有人喜欢小臭蛋，我也不想有个臭蛋儿子。”

☆On Showering with Regularity

“You’re ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day.... I don’t give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.”

★ 论“乐高积木”

“听好，我不是要扼杀你的创意，但你盖的那个东西，简直就是一坨屎。”

☆On LEGOs

“Listen, I don’t want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks like a pile of shit.”

★ 论“学校的父亲日”

“这些可以请假的家长是吃饱没事干吗？我就算真要休假，也绝对不会去跟一群十一岁的小鬼排排坐。”

☆On Bring-Your-Dad-to-School Day

“Who are all these fucking parents who can take a day off? If I’m taking a day off, I ain’t gonna spend it sitting at some tiny desk with a bunch of eleven-year-olds.”

★ 论“六年级的家长会”

“我觉得那个老师看你不顺眼，所以咧，我也看她不顺眼。你确实没有优秀到哪里去，但绝对是个好孩子，莫名其妙！她搞什么啊。”

☆On My Sixth-Grade Parent-Teacher Conference

“I don’t think that teacher likes you, so I don’t like her. You ding off more shit than a pinball, but goddamn it, you’re a good kid. She can go fuck herself.”

★ 论“七年级的第一支舞”

“你擦香水了吗？……儿子，我们家没有半瓶古龙水，只有你妈有香水。我闻过那个香味。不得不跟你说，在十三岁的儿子身上闻到老婆的味道，只能用不舒服这个词来形容。”

☆On My First Dance in Seventh Grade

“Are you wearing perfume?... Son, there ain’t any cologne in this house, only your mother’s perfume. I know that scent, and let me tell you, it’s disturbing to smell your wife on your thirteen-year-old son.”

★ 论“不敢在小学厕所上大号”

“儿子，你抱怨也要看对象，你爸随时随地都能大便，这就是我厉害的地方，搞不好还是我最了不起的地方咧。”

☆On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you’re complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It’s one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”

★ 论“我在少儿棒球联盟选拔赛五十米短跑得到最后一名”

“你的样子，实在有点像是被一群蜜蜂追着跑。我还看到那个拿着秒表的小胖子开始大笑……这么说好了，被胖子嘲笑绝对不是什么好事。”

☆On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts

“It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing.... Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.”

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[1]?青蛙过街（Frogger）：20世纪80年代极受欢迎的大型电玩游戏。