★ 论“不小心吃到狗食”

“Snausages？我吃了一堆狗零食？你没事干吗把狗食跟其他食物放在一起？管他呢，反正它很好吃，没什么好丢脸的。”

☆On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats

“Snausages? I’ve been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they’re delicious. I will not be shamed by this.”

★ 论“参加高一足球队选拔赛”

“我绝不会让你去参加选拔赛，你瘦成那副德行……我就直说好了，你不是想干什么就能干什么，况且你绝对算不上什么男子汉啦。”

☆On Trying Out for the High School Freshman Football Team

“I ain’t letting you try out, you’re too skinny.... No, I hate to break it to you, but you can’t do whatever you want and you most certainly are not a man.”

★ 论“《欢笑一箩筐》主持人的举止”

“记住那张脸，长那张脸的人一定很讨厌他自己。”

☆On Bob Saget’s Demeanor While Hosting America’s Funniest Home Videos

“Remember that face. That’s the face of a man who hates himself.”

★ 论“怯场”

“那些人没什么好怕的。他们也是会吃喝拉撒睡，跟你一样。嗯，也不尽然，你的胃不大好。”

☆On Being Intimidated

“Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Well, maybe not just like you. You got those stomach problems.”

★ 论“培根的疗效”

“别在那边穷担心了，来吃培根吧……什么？哦，我哪知道培根能不能让你舒服点，我只是不小心煎太多培根了。”

☆On the Medicinal Effects of Bacon

“You worry too much. Eat some bacon.... What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better,  I just made too much bacon.”

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