“嗯，两个原因：第一，我懂得一块钱的价值，因为我每天拼命工作赚钱，这是你还做不到的。”

我打断：“但老妈也有工作啊。”

“这就要说到第二个原因了，就是你老妈人比我好太多了，不是吗？”

他亲了一下我的额头，就离开了房间。

★ 论“被蜜蜂蜇”

“好、好，冷静一点。你有没有觉得呼吸困难？……那你想大便吗？……不是啦，跟被蜜蜂蜇没半点关系，只是你在那边走来走去，我以为你憋不住了。”

☆On Getting Stung by a Bee

“Okay, okay, calm down. Does your throat feel like it’s closing up?... Do you have to take a crap?... No, that don’t have anything to do with bee stings, it’s just you’re pacing back and forth, I thought maybe you had to go.”

★ 论“全家露营”

“不了，我待在家里就好。你们去家庭旅游，我就可以放大假。相信我，这样才会皆大欢喜。”

☆On Going Camping with the Family

“No, I’m gonna stay home. You can take a family vacation, and I’ll take a vacation from the family. Trust me, it’ll make both of our time more enjoyable.”

★ 论“我期末成绩每科都拿A”

“见鬼哦！你真是个聪明的小鬼，我不相信别人怎么说你了……哦，不是啦，没人说你不聪明。他们说的是别的事，没说你笨。”

☆On Receiving Straight As on My Report Card

“Hot damn! You’re a smart kid—I don’t care what people say about you!... I’m kidding, nobody says you’re not smart. They say other stuff, but not that.”

★ 论“圣诞节早上的实况录像”

“好，拆礼物时笑一个……喂，笨蛋，笑的时候要看镜头啊。”

☆On Videotaping Christmas Morning

“Okay, smile when you open your present.... No, smile and look at the camera, dum-dum.”

★ 论“如何分辨食物有没有坏”

“我怎么知道这东西还能不能吃？就这样吃，吃出病来就知道它坏了。难不成你们以为你爸的眼睛是显微镜啊？！”

☆On How to Tell When Food’s Gone Bad

“How the fuck should I know if it’s still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn’t good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.”

★ 论“面对小霸王”

“你早晚会碰上浑蛋，但记住，不能只从蛋蛋大小去判断他们有多危险，真正要看的是他们的蛋能生出什么来。”

☆On Dealing with Bullies

“You’re going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.”

★ 论“安静”

“你给我安静就好……汗，谁说我讨厌你，我是说，现在，我比较喜欢的是安静。”

☆On Silence

“I just want silence.... Jesus, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.”

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[1]?魔术盒（Jack in the Box）：美国知名快餐连锁餐厅。